yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We're too hungover to prance.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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