Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
