mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
