What did we do last night that was yellow?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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