Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
