I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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