Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
