You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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