Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
