My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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