it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
