I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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