i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
