I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize