So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
