You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
no, he came in my armpit
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize