apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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