Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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