i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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