Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
