So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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