He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
