worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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