She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
