Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
