dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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