Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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