she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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