i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
