I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
