and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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