Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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