I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i think my cat just said my name.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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