U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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