woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
