One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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