Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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