Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
