I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
