i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So vagazzling was a success
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
