Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
