My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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