She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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