Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
