I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize