I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
