do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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