Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
