Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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