I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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