I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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