he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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