the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
