You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
