is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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