It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
