You can't motorboat a personality
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
