Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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